Slow dancing in the spotless mind

Too much time is lost without thinking. Like a tiny gear in the mechanical clock, time is moving without it's own willing. A shock may disrupt a line in the future, a little attractor may switch the output of a system assumed to be mature . Even a laws of attraction cannot deny a distraction. Life is moving again in a time flock, bit by bit, ticking at the same numbers of second like a -run out of battery- clock.

When there's such a present stays forever like a brewed wine
Yes dear, we slow dancing in the spotless mind....

Love Redefined | Cintalah untuk bertahan

They said love is blinding
They said love is unleashing
They said love is freeing

It is love that make us stand
It is love that make us can

But they do say sometime love is a sweet torment
But they do say sometime love is a life prison

I love, in my own way, do the best to give with all my life full
I love, in others way, stay commited and stay faithful
In the end of the day, please tell me that is worth enough

They say love is forgiving
They say love is caregiving
They say love is unblaming

It is love that make us bond
It is love that provide us fond

To love is to say "you are always be in my heart", not always say "where are you now?"
To love is to say "I am sorry it is my fault", not furiously say "why you always do that?"

I love thee, I love thou. Universe witnessed that I am into you
I want it to be no longer torn in two
So that I'll bravely say :" I'd take my own life before loosing you"
Those are love, in my complicated mind, within my unpredictable way

Like say the old man :
"Cintalah yang membuat diri betah, untuk sesekali bertahan"
(Umbu Landu Paranggi, Melodia)

Cinematics #1-Seorang Ronin dengan Pedang Patah

Semuanya terasa blur, cahaya lampu taman berpendar kabur dalam pixel-pixel radial, dengan latar belakang cahaya gedung dibawah lunar. Lampu halte busway berkilau nanar, seperti pesawat luar angkasa yang bersiap melesat meninggalkan bumi. Ia melangkah dengan hati yang tercabik. Masih terasa sisa ledakan bifurkasi dalam hati yang sedang menata ruang untuk meletakkan satu lagi kenangan perih. Setahun sudah mencoba memberikan makna untuk dunia hanya untuk mendapatkan sebuah kesimpulan : "kami juga bisa melakukannya tanpa anda".

Bertahun-tahun yang lalu Ia adalah seorang Samurai besar. Insinyur lulusan terbaik yang diasah oleh Shogun terbaik di sebuah kerajaan di negeri sakura, negeri para pahlawan berjiwa ksatria. Pedangnya tajam penuh gerakan rahasia, setiap tugas bagaikan perang yang diakhiri dengan kemenangan gilang-gemilang

Setiap calon samurai berharap menjadi muridnya, mengharapkan aura energi chi yang melimpah ruah dan rahasia gerakan pedang yang berkilau di ujung senja. Dan Samurai bukanlah guru yang pelit ilmu. Setiap kata-katanya adalah mutiara, selebat pedangnya kepakan kupu-kupu yang menebar ilmu. Jiwanya mengalirkan ilmu untuk semua seperti samudra mengisi relung-relung di sepanjang tanjung. Baginya berperang adalah memberikan makna dari jiwa. Maka setiap langkah yang berawal dari jiwa akan berlari kencang seperti ditiup angin dari ujung benua.

Bertahun-tahun tarian pedangnya mewarnai kemenangan, melecutkan semangat, memberikan makna. Shogun melatihnya, rakyat mendukungnya. Negara sakura bersiap mengangkat seorang Samurai muda menjadi seorang legenda.

Tapi Ia bukanlah seorang penduduk Sakura, Ia hanya Samurai yang lahir di negeri Raya. Ini bukan perang yang pantas untuk pedangnya. "Pedangku tajam, biarlah ia menjadi bintang yang menghidupkan mimpi-mimpi Ibu Pertiwi. Aku ingin melintas bumi menyeberang langit. Aku akan berperang untuknya". Dan sang kuasa gelap menyergap, memasuki mimpi membesarkan ambisi. Saat manusia merasa dirinya besar, disanalah kuasa gelap mengeluarkan cakar.

Maka tahun lalu Ia memutuskan pergi meninggalkan Shogun, di akhir musim gugur, saat bunga sakura merekah indah, saat pesta kemenangan berlangsung dengan meriah. Sang Shogun menundukkan kepala namun tetap tersenyum dengan makna yang tak terbaca. Ia tahu memang sudah tiba saatnya Samurai akan pergi melihat dunia berperang untuk negerinya.

Irama dendang pesta kemenangan terhenti tiba-tiba, waktu berjalan tanpa lelah menelanjangi setiap gerak-geriknya, "apa yang kau cari Samurai?", setiap mata mengedip tak percaya. Senyum samurai lain samar tersembunyi di balik wajah empati,"Satu Samurai telah pergi, dan akulah penggantinya". Shogun menatap iba, namun tak satu kata keluar dari bibirnya. Samurai melangkah pergi, diiringi tanda tanya rakyat, dan pandangan mata sahabat yang berat hati, "Selamat jalan, sahabat".

Maka disinilah aku berperang, sahabatku. Menarikan pedang, melepaskan kematian, menghadirkan kemenangan. Katanaku semakin berkelebat bergerak secara rahasia memancarkan kilau putih merona.

Dan setahun berlalu sudah, pedangku telah patah meski tetap tajam terasah. Namun tak pernah disangkanya, negerinya masih menolak seorang pahlawan. Negerinya masih menganggap ia adalah Samurai dari negeri Sakura. Yang berperang hanya untuk uang dan nama. Tapi negeri Sakura telah menolaknya sebagai Samurai. Kehormatan itu telah usai.

Seorang Samurai tidak akan meninggalkan Shogun, malah seorang Samurai akan lebih memilih harakiri. Dan mereka semua menyebutnya sebagai Ronin. Ronin, Samurai yang tidak memiliki Shogun, tanpa wilayah, tanpa rakyat dan berperang untuk dirinya sendiri.

Dan diujung malam itu Ia termenung di bawah kemilau kota penuh cahaya lampu. Baju samurai telah berganti kemeja kelabu dan dasi hitam bergaris perak biru. Jas hitam teruntai tergenggam bersama tas notebook gelap kelabu.

Hatinya tercabik. Lihatlah sisa-sisa seorang Samurai yang berjalan dengan gontai. Pedangnya masih tajam terhunus lunglai. Sejuta perang masih sanggup dilakunya, tarian kematiannya masih menghantarkan nyawa. Namun apalah artinya jika kemenangan hanya untuk dirinya. Jiwanya tetaplah seorang Samurai dan seorang Samurai berperang untuk sebuah makna, bukan untuk nama...

Tapi dunia berkhianat memberikannya sebuah nama : "Ronin"
Seorang Ronin...
Dengan pedang patah...

(Jakarta, 14 December 2008)

===========================================================

Seorang Ronin dengan Pedang Patah

Lelaki menghunus pedang di ujung malam sayat sembilu
Patah terbelah darah mengalir hulu
Telah kukembara dunia
Hidup dalam ethereal tak nyata

Lihatlah siapa yang masih berdiri
Kain tercabik cabik kaki lelah menari
Waktu menumpukkan usia
Kerakal menghantam raga

Biarkan hari ini aku menari sekali lagi
Menyanyikan kebekuan teriakkan kesunyian
Kucambuk anginmu kucumbu imajimu
Menantang musim untuk tidak datang mengganti alamku

Oo masihkah kau terpukau
Cahayaku pudar tak lagi silau

Oo masihkan kau takjub
Auraku jelaga tak lagi memancarkan hidup

Lihatlah aku menarikan pedang melepaskan kematian
Lihatlah aku melelehkan matahari membekukan air dewi
Kuikat embun kumasak langit kugenggam alam
Sampai tak lagi kurasakan sakit siang berganti malam

Sampai tak lagi
Pedangku patah kurasakan menembus nadi

(Jakarta, 11 November 2008)

Life is beautiful - at the moment.

Life is being beautiful lately, love is good, work has never been this better. Every slide of presentation, every challenging task, every second playing with my love Alya. Nearly spent a whole month in Jakarta I could ask for more to enjoy every day love with Alya. She's been so nice, cute and very much lovable. For the first time in my life, a girl call me Papa..

Sebulan penuh menghabiskan waktu di Jakarta kali ini terasa begitu bermakna. Berat sekali harus berangkat travel lagi, meski ini adalah salah satu tempat kunjungan favorit : Belitung. Juga karena waktu site visit kali ini sangat sempit, hanya 5 hari untuk dua project yang berbeda. Sayang, karena mungkin tidak banyak yang bisa dilakukan hanya dengan 5 hari ini.

Tidak terasa blog ini juga sepi tulisan dalam jangka waktu satu bulan. Ternyata memang manusia hanya berpikir keras ketika lagi dapat masa-masa berat. Saat segalanya menyenangkan bersyukurpun kadang tidak terpikirkan.

Benarlah, satu hari menginjakkan kaki di pulau seberang, kuasa gelap pun mulai menyergap. Devil side, sang Dyonisus mulai menyuntikkan awan gelap ke nurani yang mulai berusaha membangun diri. Dan seperti biasa, dengan mudah aku terbang di bawah sayap gelapnya.

Because he was like me
Because he's been living with the feeling of sadness and loneliness like i did
So I thougt he is strong because he's living in
such lonelyness and kept fighting for himself.
But the real strenght isnt something like that.
you cannot gain real strength from fighting
only for your self.
when a person wants to protect something or
somebody precious to him. there he can be truly strong.
when you try to protect your precious people.
the real power of you will appear.
and that's the true meaning of being strong….”

--Uzumaki Naruto—

Love, such a sweet torment

forbidden fruit

To talk about love after you are married, will somehow mean two thing : A happy life with your couple, or an affair. Not much option left. If a married man fall in love, what should he do? We are talking about fall to someone that of course not your couple. Did he have any option left other than trying to bury that sinful feeling? Since when fall in love is a sin?
Since you are already married. That is for sure.

Than what if someone fall in love to a married one? Stupid they say. But did he/she have a choice to not fall? Than who's mistake is that? The one that fall in love,... or the the one they fall in love with.
I think both of them take part.

So it will comes to a conclusion : Love is a gift or a torment would be likely decided by choice. If I choose not to fall in love even my heart said so, I won't be sink in those sweet torment because I know I cannot afford it.

Then same question: If you could choose not to fall in love because you are forbidden, could you love someone because you choose it, not because you fall in it?
For those who haven't married until now and you are over 30, may be you should try. If you still lust for love and hope to marry someone because you fall in love with them, have a nice hunting. It is worth to try.

It is said 90% of your happiness depends on your marriage, if you find the right one what a wonderful life that be.
Love, is a sweet torment anyway

The Unborn Child

Sometimes I just wondering how will it be when I have my own child. When I was younger back then, I thought I would teach my son all that I have learned. I thought I would learned much enough to be able to give him the best education that he would get.
Yet, in a few years I would have one, I still think I wasn't Dad enough to do so.

Love redefined

Somehow you will probably redefine the meaning of the words "love" when you are married. Rie said once marriage is an effective character assassination machine, may be she is right a bit. The need of compromise, and the resist from each to do so are some of its cutting tool. They will shape you in a someway until none of your sharp edge could hurt your mate. And vice versa

And then what it will become? Not you, but a married version of you.
The thing will be worst of you are not in a mature state, that you are not in a stable state and not self knowing yet. The drilling and trimming process by marriage machine will be much painful and uncomforting.

When you are married, the meaning of love will be deployed much more complex. You may name it patience, worried, loose up, discipline, sensitive, and what elses you will find in that damn fake ass hole personality book. And Voila, I am finally melted into another normal person. Huff...

Marriage Roller Coaster

A common word, but just now it is all understood. You would never know when you will be ready to ride , but when the race is on all you can do is just sitting and enjoy the rush. Is it full of joy or full of suffer, it is your destiny. You cannot change the ride, can't you? The risk of falling and the pain of that are unbearable.

Reality bites

Just wondering, when anything goes wrong with love, why people tends to loose faith in it. Break up does not mean love is a fake, that love is a true lies, that it is a hipokrit. It is just a logical decision from one side to prevent more pain for each other. A basic self defense mechanism to survive for hurts.

Just to let you know, that thing killed me for more than twice, and still I stand tall on my feet believing. Just like a Jedi fate, " Those things who could not kill you, will be make you twice stronger"

Love, if only you knew it is only belongs to Him. Should you not trust it then?

If only you are not miles away

I am suppose to be home right now. Huffs, i really want to go but somehow i just can't. I don't care about new year, none about any party of it. I just wanna be with you.
Just to be able to see you again.
I just missed everything. The way you run like a little Red Riding Hood, carrying you cute tiny bag. The way you offer your ice cream then eat all of it that by your self. Even while you are reading your post grad books, ignoring that i was there trying all the time to catch up your attention.
I just missed you

A Saturated Cyanide

Didn't know why, its suppose to be a blessed month, but I can't just be consistent to what i inteded to do in the earlier day. Everything just come up and messing up. And i always fall in the same dark spot. Dyon comes alive, too strong and i cannot hold him back. He is now taking control half of my mind.
Suddenly i realized i am loosing my friend, i don't have a brother anymore. Suddenly i felt i need my friend back here in my life. May be i think too high of my self. I am too proud of my self.
I even cannot remember how should i love my girl, this damn distance just ruined what i have tried to build all this years. To be honest, this thing may be the centre of that Dyons power, the contained box of the Pandora, the deadly compound of a poison. Those high concentrated Cyanide.
A saturated Cyanide.

It is all a pure concluded logic, not love.

Suddenly, a scrabble of question then came into my head like hungry bats scrambled out from a dark cave. To give this question out to all of you. What is exactly the reason of a serious relationship? To show everybody that you could attrack and keep for life an awesome face? a wealth and secure relatives? a chance to prove your loyalty to everybody? or just a perfect shaped mate to give you basic needs of human instinct with still put on norm?

This is a question with ignoring the feeling of loves, because i guess love is a temporarily feeling that ruined your mood and logic for no longer than 3-6 month. Longer than that, it is not love who hold you for still taking care of each other. But the comfort of being trusted, being understood, being taken care. The comfort of taking and giving, a share of secret keeping, a holding hand when you feel so alone and also a chance to finally found a mate to live and give you your reproductory product.

In other word, after three or six month your mind is being folded and blinded by the beauty of love (i say it is the work of hormones), your logic sinthesysed and finallly concluded that : this is the right person to be my mate. So, Voila !! then it becomes a birth of a new serious relationship.

At least until one extrordinary thing break what you've imagined, a broken commitent, or you finally found that what you've imagined from "the mate" is actually a wrong picture, or when one decided that one is too good for the other. Isn't it? It is all pure logic, don't be too naive to say it is love.

Setia untuk tetap setia.

Bagiku kesetiaan itu adalah mempertahankan apa yang aku yakini, apakah itu prinsip, nilai, hobby, teman, terutama cinta. Kesetiaan untuk cinta lebih kepada mempertahankan janji yang telah diikrarkan. Untuk bertahan meski kadang hilang rasa, berubah menjadi kebencian sesaat, ketidakpercayaan, ataupun menghadapi seseorang yang baru yang aku rasa lebih baik untuk mendampingiku selamanya. Aku bilang itu kesetiaan, orang-orang bilang itu bodoh.
Bicara tentang kesetiaan di jaman ini seperti bicara sesuatu yang langka. Bahkan untuk pernikahan, seperti hanya janji untuk mendapatkan malam pertama, yang nanti dengan mudah diingkari bila kondisi yang menyenangkan telah berubah. Entah apa yang berubah, apakah nilai universal sudah bergeser atau memang itu yang sebenarnya benar.
Aku teringat akan cerita tentang istri simpanan yang cantik. Yang menjalin cinta dengan seseorang yang sempurna, bersedia menikahinya meski mengerti akan statusnya, tapi pada akhirnya ia tetap setia dengan pria yang menjadikannya istri simpanan (Aku baca kisah ini di buku Ditunggui Naga, Darmanto Jatman). Kesetiaan bukan untuk pria tersebut, tapi kesetiaan hanya untuk tetap setia.
Seperti cerita Rana yang setia pada suaminya, meski cintanya untuk Ferre. Atau kesetiaan para Nahdliyin untuk Gusdur. Atau kesetiaanku.